Red Lobster's Robotic Service and Bland Food

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My mom grabbed the daily specials menu and ordered the Tilapia. The robot said, "It comes with 2 sides. What sides do you want?" She went for the salad and broccoli.

Then it was my brother's turn to order and since he had already upset the server robot with his outrageous demand for honey I could sense the tension in the air as she stared him down waiting for him to speak. He stumbled at first..I um, uh think, you eh ug pop shrimp poppy shrimp shrimp pop......Popcorn Shrimp! Her response: "Two sides?"

My brother, young and innocent explains he doesn't want two sides he only wants french fries. "It comes with two sides, what are your two sides?" My mom decided this was a good time to chime in, "Why don't you get a salad?" My brother knowing deep down somewhere that the salad probably tastes like lobster simply says he doesn't want a salad. Then things got ugly.

At the same moment the robot starts barking for what his other side will be and my mom is begging him to just get a salad because it will be good for him. He needs salad, he never eats salad, maybe he should just get a salad. My brother then starts getting red in the face and on the verge of tears proclaims - I'll have a salad!! House with ranch dressing! Whew. That was violent.

Then it was my wife's turn. The robot, not asking if she was ready just turned her head towards my wife and gave her a look that said - order now or die. My wife, looks deep into her gaze and says, "Lobster Pizza. No Lobster." The robot says nothing and looks to me.

Ok wait - what!? So far my mom and brother have almost been executed for ordering something off the menu. My wife orders an item that doesn't exist and the robot acts like nothing even happened!?!?

I decided on one of the specials they are featuring on TV: Hawaiian Isles Shrimp and Salmon. They had a giant full color menu with pictures of the three specials and after seeing the commercial and then looking at the menu insert it seemed like a tasty decision. Only one problem is that it comes with rice. I am not a huge rice fan (except at Chipotle) and rice with fish is especially odd. This seemed like a simple change.

Not really. I order and explain that I would like to substitute my rice for broccoli. Robot: I'm sorry it comes with rice. I understand, however I would like to trade my rice for broccoli. Robot: No sir, it comes with rice, it's on the plate like that. Hmmm ok...how else can I approach this...I'll try again. I hold up the menu insert that has a photo of the entree, using my visual aide I point and explain that I would like this entree with a baked potato and broccoli. Robot: No sir that is just a pretty picture to make the food look good, what two sides do you want.

Ok robot server. First I know that this is just a food shot to make your sick food look good and second, don't talk to me like I'm loosing my mind. Giving up I finally say. Ok, how can I not get rice on the plate? She says, oh I'll just ask them to not include rice. WHAT!??!!?

She moves on to my Dad who orders without any issue. Then we started waiting for our impending doom.

The food didn't all come out at once and like a slap in the face at my wife, her Non Lobster Pizza was the only entree missing. At most other restaurants they would try and wait for all the food to be ready to drop off, however all things considered this was the least of our worries. I didn't have rice on my plate but my salmon was placed directly on top of my broccoli as if it were rice. Is everything so streamlined and technical at this restaurant that even the chefs don't know how to properly plate up food? Why the heck would I want salmon soaking on top of broccoli? Just put the broccoli on the SIDE it is a SIDE item.

We started eating.....err some of us started eating. My coconut shrimp were pretty good. Not mind shattering, but good. However after two bites in to my salmon it suddenly occurred why so many elderly people eat at Red Lobster: the food is bland. I mean bland, boring, tasteless. It just tasted like plain salmon. I looked around the table and everyone's food looked the same. There was no spice, seasoning or any apparent culinary expertise.

My wife demanded I taste her pizza for lobster before she would even take a bite and my brother picked at his plate (he had already eaten 16 cheddar biscuits and choked down a warm house salad). Then my wife commented that my brother's popcorn shrimp looked more like deep fried goat pellets and he stopped eating completely.

We picked at our food (I ate most of mine out of guilt) and our robot returned shortly to clear our plates and offer us boxes. The night wasn't over yet as she wanted to know what dessert we wanted for my birthday. My dad held up the colored dessert menu with pictures and pointed and said, we will take one of the chocolate chip lava cakes. The robot, clearly unaware of his finger or voice explaining what we want, responded: "I'm sorry sir, what do you want?" My dad says the same thing over again and our robot responds: Sir, I don't know what you're talking about what dessert would you like? Finally, my dad holds the menu up towards her face and says, This one! This one!

The dessert comes out with about two singers plus the robot, "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear...............(awkward silence)..........she whispers, 'what's your name?' uh, Dan.......Happy Birthday dear Dan, Happy Birthday to you!"

The service has been a technical disaster. She went through all of the motions with no personality, no heart and no passion. Our food came out correct, but after the service experience really didn't taste that good since we had to fight to order. It is my "birthday dinner" and since I know that Red Lobster should be so interested in making me feel special don't you think that she could have taken the time to ask me my name before she was half way through the song with an uncomfortable group of people in the restaurant watching!?!?

We picked around at the dessert, but really we just wanted to get out of there - and never return. My dad asked for the check, paid and we got up to leave. For some unknown reason as we walked through the front doors there were mobs of people waiting to get in for a taste of Red Lobster. I may never understand why.

We parted from my parents and as we got back in our car my wife looked at me and said, "What if we die tonight and our last meal was at Red Lobster?"