Red Lobster Retirement Home

"I don't want to go there." - Wife.

That is how the conversation started earlier this week when I told my wife and family that I wanted to go to Red Lobster to celebrate my birthday.

"That place smells like fish. I'm going to have to wash my hair and burn my clothes if we go there." - Wife.

My thought process was fairly illogical. I didn't have any good reason to go there except that the advertising had got to me. It had finally penetrated so deep in to my brain that I felt compelled to go try Red Lobster. I was the victim of advertising frequency and I went against what I know and fell into a trap - taking my whole family with me.

I was also extremely curious. I drive by our Red Lobster often and the parking lot is always packed. In times when every other restaurant is suffering how have they managed to succeed?

"I will pay you if you don't make me go there." - Wife.

Because it was my "birthday celebration" I was allowed to overrule my wife. (Birthdays are the only time you are allowed to do this, and it is likely that I will be under her wrath until my birthday next year). My family was confused and shocked that I was taking us to a deep fried seafood escape and not one of my usual restaurant choices.

"I hate Red Buttster"- Wife.

Finally the happy day came. I called ahead so we wouldn't have to wait however, they don't offer call ahead seating. OK....I guess we will try and get there early. We arrived shortly before 7pm and it wasn't too crowded. Much to my wife's demise it did smell like fish (only a little) and she promptly decided that she would wait outside.

The host told me that it would be "less than a 20 minute wait". I said, "Ok so does that mean 15-20 minutes, or just less than 20?" she answered, "Oh um, probably 15-20". Riiiiiiiight.

The wait begins.

Since we were waiting outside (due to the fish smell) we immediately began what we do best - people watch. This particular Red Lobster was beautifully designed to watch people as they have a breezeway where people can be dropped off in front of the restaurant. I thought this was a little odd. I thought it was even stranger that people were actually using it. One by one cars would pull up and every single person that got out of a car was a senior citizen. (Please note: I have no problem with senior citizens or elderly people in general).

Every car the people got more and more elderly. They came in with walkers, wheel chairs and dressed up for a "night on the town."

Then like a wave it came over me: "WHAT AM I DOING HERE!?!?!?" I am eating at a Red Lobster Retirement Home and it smells like fish in there!! My mother was in tears, my wife was furious, my brother was confused and my dad was making fun of the old people. At this moment of realization - our name got called.

They took us to a table in the middle of the dining room and a few minutes later we were greeted by our "pleasant" server. Actually she looked angry from the beginning. No introduction, no welcome, just a heart felt: Hello, what can I get you to drink? Then a robotic: Would you like to start with an appetizer? My dad immediately questioned, "Can we get some cheddar biscuits?" Server responds: They come with salad or soup. Ok.... not exactly sure if that was a yes or a no but we want some Cheddar Biscuits, like now. Read a some fun facts about the Cheddar Biscuit - here.

Much to our surprise our robotic server returned with tea (no ice) and two baskets of Cheddar Biscuits, we were all relieved. As I got irritated about my non iced tea I start looking around and taking in the atmosphere. We were easily the youngest people in the restaurant - my parents included. However, it was packed. Every table was full and people were chowing down. While I thought it was odd that we were surrounded by elderly people in a popular restaurant, my confidence came back - this place must be good if this many people eat here.

My brother - an avid bread eater, was truly enjoying the biscuits however, it wasn't long until he discovered something missing: honey. When our robot came over to take our order he asked if there was any honey he could have for the biscuits. She responded promptly with, No.

Now things were just getting uncomfortable. You didn't greet us, you didn't offer any suggestions on the menu, basically 'no' appears to be the only word in your vocabulary AND you're telling a starving confused boy that he can't have any honey.

My mom grabbed the daily specials menu and...............to be continued.