Angry Mob of 16 and a Half

No one likes big parties in restaurants.

It begins with the initial call ahead to the restaurant letting them know you are coming. You may say something like, "We have a party of 16 and half coming in around 7, will you have seating?"

Before the host you're speaking with even says anything you can hear the disappointment and rage building up. Restaurant's hate big parties. She might mumble something in a noncommittal way like, "oh ya we probably will have something.....I'll let the manager know." - Her first attempt to make you feel guilty about coming in. Don't you realize that you are messing up her seating chart and throwing the rotation off for the entire night!?!? How dare you even consider coming to a restaurant with a party larger than 4!

When I used to host I was always irritated when people would tell me, "Oh we have a party of 4......and a half!" What do you think it's cute that you have a half or should I say child that I now have to set a special seat up for and get coloring books and place mats so your kid can stay occupied long enough to not scream and drive everyone else out of the restaurant?

Now I have a half (just 5 weeks old) and I make a point to always tell the host that I have a half.

Ah Ha!

I suppose now would be a good time to mention that the party of 16 and a half at the beginning of this story was actually my wife's entire family and I out to eat earlier this week. We arrive and much to our dismay realize immediately that there is a party of 20 sitting in our spot.

This is completely out of the restaurant's control, however it is still irritating. They can't control the fact that a party of 20 elderly women have been sitting in an entire section of the restaurant for 2 hours.

Hence the fundamental problem with large parties - you can't have more than one at a time. As you can imagine the 16 and a half of us crowd the waiting area and start giving the party of 20 elderly women looks of complete loathing begging them with our eyes to get up. The bad news is they had camp set up and even though they were all done with their food there were no apparent signs that they had any intentions of moving. Drinks were out, purses were hanging off chairs and the conversation was lively.

Meanwhile back in the waiting area, our party of 16 and a half is jammed like sardines in a little corner trying to avoid taking over the entire front waiting area. The host offers us a drink (which I also know she wasn't thrilled about, hosts only want to do one thing: stand at their stand).

Time continues to tick by and then the worse happens when our "dinner" conversation turns in to our "waiting" conversation. You know what this is - it's like going on a date and having the entire good conversation in the car on the way there. You get to the restaurant and suddenly realize that you have nothing good to talk about.

After 30 minutes I started getting irrational and I moved in closer to the party of 20 to try and lure them away from the tables. I wasn't alone. The annoyed servers and busser tub ready bus boys were standing near by waiting to pounce on the table the second a chair got pushed back or a purse picked up.

Another reason restaurants hate big parties: The servers are in hell. First it throws their entire night off. Instead of just having their normal three - four table section they now are sharing one big party with another server. Which means if they have another table it gets neglected. Then, they have to some how carry 15-20 drinks all at one time out to the large party (I used to hate carrying drinks on tray) oh and by the way when they are filling up 15-20 drinks in the back the whole restaurant gets backed up because they are hogging the drink fountain. Finally, it takes forever. Even after you cut the party off it takes forever.

I continue to hover near the large party of 20 trying to let them know that 16 and a half angry people are standing behind them waiting for their giant table. Finally, 40 minutes later like domino's it starts happening. One woman gets up and slowly (it really was slow) they all start getting up.

I made a vital mistake.

I was holding our adorable, tiny, smelling baby like daughter in my arms. I was also standing on the outskirts of the waiting area near the large party. In a matter of moments I became a destination for every elderly women from the party to walk by and offer their comments about how cute she is. I know she is cute - get out of the restaurant.

One woman in particular came over and started getting a little too close. She commented and then didn't walk away. She reached her hand out and in a moment of insanity I turned around and walked back in to our party of 16 and a half. However, she followed.

She was still talking to me so I turned around holding my daughter very tightly and she reached out ever so slowly and touched her foot. (Don't worry she had protection on: socks). Ok that was a touch, but it wasn't too uncomfortable. In my head I was thinking, ok you had your fix move on.

She didn't stop though. Her hand started coming back at me again and since both of my hands were tied trying to protect my daughter I started blowing on her like a maniac and twisting to the right. The hand kept coming and before I knew it was on my daughter's back and then slid down to her hand!! I pulled my daughter's legs and hands in closer and said, "OK, that's enough."

I really don't mind if people want to touch our baby, however this woman smelt like smoke and alcohol and I don't really think she should have been holding her hand. My wife like supermom pulled out the hand sanitizer and we all took a bath in it.

While this episode was happening the restaurant staff managed to clear the table and turn it over for us. Now they weren't the only one's who were angry. We called ahead, waited 40 minutes, had to watch a giant party take forever and then were attacked on the way out.

Our party of 16 and a half had turned into an angry mob of 16 and a half.

Ah, time for dinner.