Taco Bell Takes No Ingredients from Nature

We all love Taco Bell. We all know that the "quality" of their food is often questionable.

Finally to answer all of our unanswerable questions, The Onion News Network has provided this breaking news about Taco Bell's latest food creations. I'll let you decide if you want to believe this story is true or not.




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Crazy for Crispers

For years I have been searching.

Where can we find a restaurant that is like Panera only better? A better version of Panera would be a place that offers quality food at a reasonable price in an inviting atmosphere and has outstanding service....

Crispers is that place.

Before my most recent visit I had only been there once before several years ago. It was a bad experience...service was poor, food was overpriced, and the atmosphere was reminiscent of a high school cafeteria.

My wife went back to Crispers about a month ago and it was so good she went two more times that same week. From her ongoing praise I decided it was time to go back.

Here's what Crispers does that Panera doesn't:

The employees are friendly. When I couldn't decide what to order, the employee opened up a menu and made several suggestions. He read our order back to us and was more than happy to make any special changes to what we ordered without giving us a problem.

Great variety and the ability to customize. They have countless salads, sandwiches, sides and flat breads. There is an endless amount of choices and you can combine them any way you like. See for yourself. As mentioned above, they offer you the choice of bread you want on your sandwich (however I encourage you to always pick Asiago Cheese). They ASK you if you want something special changed to your meal. Have you ever tried to change the bread on your sandwich at Panera? Chances are if you have, the employee responded with a dramatic eye-roll and a sigh of frustration.

Service. You know that pager at Panera? The one they give you so you can sit and wait but everyone stands at the counter anyway? There is no pager at Crispers and there is no counter to wait at. They take it a step further and deliver your food to you based on the number on your table. OH and when you're done they come pick up the dishes for you. Say goodbye to bus tubs and overflowing trash cans.

It tastes good, it's high quality and the portion is huge. I ordered the half Pulled Pork Carnitas Sandwich and a cup of potato soup. Crispers pulls their pork in their restaurant. The flavoring of the pork plus the BBQ sauce and topped off with the Asiago Cheese bread tasted like a summer BBQ dream. The "cup" at Crispers is double the size of the "cup" at Panera and that creamy potato soup was sensational.

Two words: Kids Club. If you have a kid and even if you don't the Kid's Club at Crispers is by far the best thing of all. A kids grilled cheese costs $3.99 and you can select your type of bread. It's served with a side of potato chips and the best part? A wooden coin. I know, sounds crazy however this wooden coin is good for a free kids sized gelato at the end of your meal. You just take the coin up to the counter and they'll give you your choice of creamy, sweet, rich, fantastic gelato. The gelato normally is extremely expensive so even if you don't have a kid you should probably considering ordering the kids meal anyway.

Friendly employees, quality food, a nice warm atmosphere, and the added bonus is gelato. Crispers is everything that Panera wishes they could be. From now on you'll know where to find me. I'll be that guy at Crispers claiming my daughter's wooden coin for my own personal gelato.

You can find your nearest Crispers here.

The Guacamole Convert

I always thought those people who got guacamole at Chipotle were complete fools.

First, the guacamole looks like a green paste. Second it costs like $2. Why do you need it?

Then like a slap in the face my eyes were suddenly opened.

My relationship with guacamole started as any relationship should.....nice and slow. My short yet sometimes insightful sister-in-law is obsessed with Chipotle guac. She gets it dumped on her bowl every time she visits Chipotle and when I was last with her I asked for just a taste on a chip. Eh, it was good but it didn't blow my mind and I still didn't understand why people insisted on having it.

This first taste raised my curiosity and on my next visit to Chipotle I started using a wise and classy trick. Something you may or may not know is that if you get a veggie bow the guac is free....therefore eliminating the $2 charged slapped on at the very end. If you get a veggie bowl and don't want the guac on top, no problem they will put it on the side for you.

With this knowledge I finally decided to use something I should have been using for years. My wife always orders a veggie bowl and I have never taken advantage of the "free guac". The taste adventure with my sister-in-law got me interested so several weeks ago I requested the guac on the side of my wife's veggie bowl.

When we got home, I gently and cautiously added just a touch of guac to my bowl and mixed it in with everything else. Whoa...whoa......this was intensely better then just having it on the chip. Looking around to make sure my wife wasn't looking I added a little more...mixed it in and took a few more bites.

WHAT HAVE I BEEN MISSING OUT ON!?!?

For years.....YEARS I have been living in an empty world without guacamole. So many meals....so many opportunities to make my Chipotle food better are now lost forever. The homemade taste of Chipotle's guac combined with the flavors of the rest of their food is nothing short of remarkable.

My life has been changed forever. Now I demand on having guac on the side with my bowl....a Chipotle experience without it would be far from superior. I will never look upon those that added guacamole at Chipotle with disgust again. Yes it is a significant amount more money to add guacamole onto your meal. However the trick is to go with a friend who gets a veggie bowl and ask for it as a side...then it's free (assuming your veggie eating friend doesn't want it).

The guacamole at Chipotle is food magic. Forget about the infamous queso at Moe's.

Coffee (stuck in your teeth) Toffee Twisted Frosty

When eating Wendy's New Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty be prepared to sacrifice your teeth.

Wendy's has been advertising their two new coffee Frosty treats like crazy: Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty and the Frosty-cino shake. For some reason I was more interested in the Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty.

In the commercials and from the picture on the billboards it looked amazing. The concept is simple: the taste of Frosty goodness mixed in with coffee and chunks of toffee. What about that shouldn't be good?

I have been hesitating for a few weeks because as you may recall from last year I was fooled by Wendy's advertising into thinking their then new Frosty Shakes were good. Shame on me....it was a huge disappointment.

Looks like I have been tricked again.

When I went to Wendy's to try the new Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty the drive thru employee was extremely helpful and courteous...a rarity when it comes to fast food. While I was waiting for my Coffee-Toffee Twisted Frosty we struck up a brief conversation where she revealed they have been selling these new Frosty creations like hot cakes. In the past 3 weeks she has increased her order of 5 boxes of Frosty mix a week to 12....whoa. People are clearly buying them. But, does anybody like them enough to come back and buy another one?

As I looked down into my Coffee Toffee creation I couldn't help but notice how incredibly small the chunks of toffee were. It was more like tiny particles of toffee...not pieces or chunks.

This new Frosty is still so thick that you have to eat it with a spoon not a straw. Once I started digging in I was surprised by how good the coffee flavoring tasted mixed in with the vanilla Frosty.....then I got my unfortunate first bite of a particle of toffee which went from my taste bud directly into my teeth and stayed there.

Thinking nothing of it I kept eating away. About 3 bites in however my top row of teeth was jam packed pull of toffee bits. Without getting too graphic I took the proper steps in trying to remove them and then came up with a new eating strategy, "I'll just avoid the toffee and eat the Frosty."

One small problem....those toffee bits are in every single bite! I dug, I maneuvered and I twisted my spoon to try to avoid them.....no luck. Finally a little over half way through I gave up and threw the rest of it away.

The Frosty was really good, it tasted like a creamy coffee milkshake. The toffee however was an inconvenient and unnecessary addition. Eating food should never be a challenge.

If you love toffee maybe you'll like the feeling of having it stuck in your teeth. I know one thing for sure...after last year's Frosty Shake and this year's Frosty Stuck in My Teeth I think I'll be sticking with the original Frosty from now on. Why does Wendy's bother trying to fix something that's not broken?

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